It was another beautiful day in the city. The birds were shitting all over her lawn, the dogs laid their loads on her walkway, the cats tore up her newspapers. Yes, it was another wonderful day.
She decided that she was going to take a nap but then realised that she was hungry. She went to the fridge, opened it and saw lots and lots of shelves with nothing on them except a note to herself telling herself that she needed to buy groceries.
Allowing the door to slowly close on its own, she decided that she didn’t need anything to eat. She would tell her body that she didn’t need any food to survive, that she could survive without food or water until she went to work on Monday and then she would go and buy some stuff to put into the fridge so she would not have to see that stupid note that she wrote to herself anymore.
She laid down on the couch and heard the purring of the cat. She grabbed a cup and threw at the cat that was trying to come through her open window. It hissed and went back outside. She was sure that it would come back and wreck havoc but she would be waiting.
All that excitement though proved to be too much for her stomach. Just by expending that little bit of energy to get rid of that pesky cat, the pangs of hunger started to devour her being. She decided that she could overcome it.
She meditated to herself. She didn’t need any food. But when the cat tried to sneak inside again, she jumped up and closed the window. It almost slammed shut on the cat’s tail as it tried to escape quickly. She was upset that the tail didn’t get caught in the window.
Now that was all the stomach needed to siren her into going for food. She had no choice. She grabbed her bag and went out in search of something to eat.
On her way, she noticed that most of the food stores were closed and wondered how was that even possible. Then she remembered that although it was Saturday, it was a holiday so the majority of places that usually opened were closed. Her only option was Kentucky Fried Chicken.
She walked into KFC and was surprised and happy that she didn’t have to wait long as there was no one at the cashier. She put in her order only to be told that they had run out of chicken, that they were currently waiting on some to arrive and if she’d like, she could purchase some fried fish instead.
Fish! She didn’t want any fryball fish! She wanted meat. She wanted meat to eat. She wanted meat to eat and she wanted to eat meat now! The thought of a chicken place trying to sell her fish was too much. She snapped. She yanked out her cell phone and called the police.
“You need to come and arrest these people”, she told the officer. “They don’t have any chicken and they’re trying to sell me fish!” Perplexed, the officer asked her what was she talking about but she went on. “Charge these people officer. Come down here now! You need to come here now! Now I tell you!”
The police officer was stunned. He stifled a laugh. He called his buddies, put the phone on speaker and indulged her. “Where are you calling from? I am calling from KFC,” she told him. “KFC in Marabella and they do not have chicken and they are trying to tell me that I must eat fish. I am not going to eat any fish. Their name is Kentucky Fried Chicken, not Kentucky Fried Fish, so why the fuck they trying to sell me fish!”
The other officers wanted to laugh. The police officer said to her, “Calm down, calm down and no need to use expletives mam. Now, can’t you just go to another KFC and see if they have chicken? I’m sure there’s another KFC that you can go to.”
This statement agitated the woman. “Why must I go to another KFC?! This one is the most convenient for me! It is unfair I tell you! Unfair! And I want my chicken! They better get me my chicken and if you don’t do something about this officer then I will! You need to arrest these people for touting service and not providing it!”
“But mam,” the officer tried to pacify her, “a situation like this is not for the police to handle. Running out of chicken isn’t a crime -“
“Of course it is a crime!” She cut in. “They are called Kentucky Fried Chicken yet they want to sell me fish! I don’t want no fish, I want chicken and they are supposed to have chicken and they don’t have none so that is a crime cause they falsely advertising. They should not have opened today.”
The officer realised that this lady wasn’t going to take no for an answer. It seemed that she would not give up the issue until he said that he would do something. “Okay mam, I will come down and investigate.”
“That’s right. Do that!” She cut off the phone and smiled. She was going to get justice.
While she was bullying the officer, the chicken arrived. However, the cashier did not inform her of this event. The cashier amused himself by watching the woman dial the police for this simple issue. He wondered if the police would really waste their time by indulging the woman. He didn’t think they would.
Turns out he was wrong.
The officer with whom the lady had spoken to actually came and he brought her a box of KFC that he went and purchased at another location. The woman was so happy at his thoughtfulness that she forgot about her report and graciously asked the officer if he would be so kind as to drop her home.
She pointed menacingly at the cashier and told him next time he would get his comeuppance and went home.
She opened the window to let the cool breeze in and rested her box of KFC on the table next to the couch. When she sat down to eat her KFC, she remembered that she did not bring her drink so she went to the fridge, but didn’t bother to open it as she remembered that stupid note that she had in there. She looked on the ground and saw that she still had a case of water and grabbed a bottle.
She returned to her couch, finally ready to dig into her meal, when she realised that her chicken was missing. When she looked up, she saw the cat looking at her from the window sill, with the chicken in its mouth. As she stood up to grab the cat, it turned and jumped out the window. Fuming and furious, she grabbed her phone and dialed the police again. By sheer coincidence, the same officer answered.
“The cat stole my chicken. Come and arrest it immediately!”