They said we came from the cow. It was said that it was the cow who gave us life. She produced milk and we were fashioned out of it. That was how we came to be. We, the cheeses of this fridge. We were created from Cow. If it wasn’t for Cow, we wouldn’t exist. Most of us cheeses wouldn’t be. But, I’m getting too mold to think about these things. Yet, these were the things that the Vege Cheeses wanted you to believe. They wanted you to believe in this Cow and milk business. Then there were some who say there were some cheeses that came from goats because goats produce milk too. Now they were simply going too far. They wanted us cheeses to believe that we were formed from any kind of milk. But I say nonsense.
I sat on my stool, feeling smoked as I usually do. There were many, many cheeses but they didn’t like me much because I was smoked. That worked well for me, I didn’t like any other cheese. All those self righteous fools like Maasdam, Edam and Lambert, the stush cheeses like Dorblu, Gruyere and Brie, the gangsta cheeses of Gouda, Mozzarella, Poshekhonsky and Yaroslavi, the so-called hip cheeses, Swiss, Parmesan, Cheddar and Monterey Jack were just a few of many cheeses existing in fridges somewhere. To say that we all came from milk was absolute nonsense! There’s no way that I, Smoked Cheese, could EVER, come from the so-called same milk that produced all these molds.
But these Vege Cheeses; they just won’t ever leave you alone! Every single day they come, day in, day out, trying to convert people to their Vegetarian ways. It disgusted me. Every time I saw one of them coming, I would start a fire. They knew not to come around me. And soon they stopped trying altogether. This made me very happy. I didn’t need to hear anymore of that milk madness story anymore. It was quite stale.
One day, however, as I was rolling around on my board, I noticed out of the corner of my cut, something white rolling towards me. Before I could whip up some smoke, a white cheese was already upon me.
“Hi!” she chirped. “I’m Brynza. Your name’s Smo, right?”
“Yeah, I’m Smo,” I grunted. “What do yer want?”
She smiled, rolled onto my board and plopped down. “I’m here to bring you the good news of course.”
“Yeah. And what might that be?” I chuffed.
“About Cow of course,” her smile widened. I could suddenly feel the heat rise within me but her smile was so dazzling, so…bright, that it kept me from smoking.
“Ah, so yer thought that yer could just roll in ‘ere and get me to believe this milk nonsense. But I ain’t buyin’. Not fer all the mold in the fridge,” I told her and rolled onto my other board.
“Do you like heat Smo?” she asked.
“Heat? No cheese likes heat,” I said matter-of-factly.
“But you smoke…so surely you must like heat,” she looked at him.
I smiled. “Yer got me ‘ere. I s’ppose I’m the only one can stand it.”
“Don’t you think that’s unique? That only you can stand the heat,” she remarked.
I guess I never thought about it before. But I never saw myself as unique. I just saw myself as not stush, not a gangsta, not a vege and certainly not like those hipster cheeses. But, to each cheese his own, I thought. But this little cheese made it sound so good. But I was the last of my kind. I was the only smoked cheese left and I had not intention of passing on my smoky goodness. I ain’t gonna get marrid and I ain’t gonna have no little cheeses, I always thought.
“Well, since yer put it ‘at way, maybe I am pretty unique, yeah,” I looked at her. She watched me, with her smile and then suddenly jumped up saying that she was leaving.
“Already?” I was surprised. “No, ‘but Cow is the supreme being’, and ‘we must all look up to Cow since Cow made us’ and all that bullshit shit you veges always spout.”
She smiled again and looked at me. “I just wanted to talk to you is all.” And with that, she just left.
Brynza came again the next day and we chatted again. We didn’t even talk about Cow and milk or goat for that matter. She just wanted to hear about me. Strange. All she did was listened to my tales. But what was even more strange is that I could not remember anything from before I was smoked. It was curious that I never thought about it before. It was only when Brynza came that these thoughts flourished in my holes. What was I before I became smoked? I only remember being smoked and since then, I liked it.
She came again two days afterwards and hardly spoke at all. It seemed as if my presence was just enough for her. Then, as abruptly as she came, she left.
I never saw that strange, smiley cheese again for a long time. I s’ppose that she forgot about those Vegetarians and decided to live her life until the mold did her in. But she had a lovely name. Brynza. I guess I fell fer ‘er. She was the only one who didn’t try to convert me and fer that, I was thankful.
One day, when I went to visit a good friend of mine in Kenmore, I saw a cheese that looked like her. But I wasn’t sure. She had aged a bit but still radiated that beautiful white glow.
“Brynza!” I called. At first she did not seem to recognise me but then, she came up to me and said, “Smo?” I shook my head.
“Where ‘ave you been Brynza? I waited fer you every day but you never came back,” I told her. Then she smiled, the smile that I had always remembered.
“Now do you believe?” she asked.
“Huh?” I responded confused. “Believe what?”
“In Cow, for if it weren’t for Cow, you wouldn’t have come here, to Kenmore, to meet your friend. Cow made it so that we could see each other again Smo,” she smiled even more.
Smo tried to make sense of what she was saying but somehow it didn’t matter. Smo was totally hooked. He was mesmerised by her. He had always been mesmerised by her cheesiness. He didn’t care about Cow or milk or all that nonsense. He wanted to be one with Brynza. He grabbed her and tried to absorb her into his heat. But instead of him absorbing her, she was consuming him. What was happening? He was…melting? How could this be?
“Good bye Smo,” she smiled again, but this time, he saw the smile for what it really was. Brynza the Absorber, the destroyer. She did not come from Cow, she came from Sheep.
“You’re weren’t unique you know that right,” she said to him, continuing to smile. “You’re just a plain old Cheddar that went in the oven to get some flavour. But you believed that bullshit. Cheeses would always listen to things that make them feel good. And it made you feel good, didn’t it Smo? It made you love me, want me. A cheese from a sheep. A taboo cheese. A cheese you probably despised.” She went on. “Goats, sheep, cow. It doesn’t matter. We all come from some kind of milk, just those Vegetarians thought that Cow was supreme and that Cow was the only being that created superior cheeses. Too bad, too bad you didn’t believe. Now, goodbye Smo, goodbye,” and her smile broadened and she melted him. And the last thing he saw was the white slush that was Brynza and then…he melted.
“Josh! Josh!” someone called. “Wake up!”
Josh opened his eyes and all he saw was a white piece of cheese rolling towards him, ready to melt him.
Yes, he thought, eating too much cheese before bed was definitely, a bad thing to do.