Once upon a time, I could have eaten peanut butter to my leisure. Peanut butter with crix, peanut butter with bread, peanut butter with jam, peanut butter on a spoon, peanut butter and prunes, peanut punch, once the name was peanut butter or had that wondrous peanut taste then my tastebuds would be present. Just feeling that smooth, sticky goo in my mouth was all that I needed in life. My body and peanut butter lived in perfect harmony for many, many years, without any quarrels or fallings out. We were the absolutely perfect couple. Until the calypso rice came along and spoiled our loving relationship.

It all began one Sunday morning, when I decided to try out a new dish, for Sundays are the days when I try my hand at new recipes since I love my belly and my loving evil husband benefits from my experiments. So, this day, I decided to try to make calypso rice and the recipe called for peanut butter to be added to it. Knowing that peanut butter and I already enjoyed a harmonious relationship, I did not hesitate to pelt him inside the pot to become one with the rest of ingredients and bring joyous flavours to my tongue. Alas! This time it was not to be.

After eating the food, which did not taste bad I might add, I felt a lingering stomach pain. At first I thought that maybe I needed to go to the toilet but then I realised that every time I ate the food, since I usually cook to last for a few days, my stomach was not very pleased and showed it. When I couldn’t take the pain any longer, I decided to head to the doctor who told me that I had colic. I was like buhhh! So he gave me pills and said to take them until the pain stopped, and when it did I did not need to take them anymore. So I did. And the pain went. And I was happy. So much so that I celebrated first by eating peanut butter and crix for breakfast and then I started feeling ill yet again. The lingering stomach pain returned and I decided to do some research on this colic and realised that peanut butter was one of the causes.

But what the deuce! When did this disharmony between myself and peanut butter happen? Why was my body rejecting all of the peanutty goodness that I had enjoyed for so long? Sniff, sniff. I guess it was signs of the times, I thought. Signs of the times that my body was progressing in age even though in my mind I believed myself a feisty teenager.

Nevertheless, I realised the cause of my woes and knew that it was time for the divorce to happen. I served peanut butter the papers and dumped him in the bin while lamenting how I had just opened a new container and all had to go since Evil Senpai did not eat peanut butter. Ever since we have parted ways, I have not had anymore episodes of colic so yes, peanut butter was definitely the cause.

Peanut butter, we had some good times and we had some bad times but unfortunately because of the bad times, I had to get rid of you for good. But worry not you brown buttery goodness, other people will still love you, I just can’t do it anymore because in the words of EXO, you huuuuuurt me, (so bad, so bad) you huuuuuurt me (so bad, so bad). It hurts.